Guilt-ridden.

I am supposed to study for a Math test tomorrow but then I figured that I wouldn't understand a thing when something is occupying my mind. I feel such strong remorse at the moment. So, I felt like making a blog post just to lessen the effect of the feeling and I can somehow get those Math formulas into my head. My conscience has been bugging me since I got out from the classroom 3 hours ago. I feel really bad. The reason for such guilt?  I feel like I have said or did something that has hurt a person very dear to me. I don't like being the reason for people's misery especially people who are dear to my heart. I sometimes say things that I don't think twice about and then afterwards, I regret saying it. I hate seeing people (especially somebody who has usually a bubbly personality) with that pained expression and then when I think about it, I realize that I am responsible for such. I may have just said a little statement but I couldn't help but get guilt-stricken. I hate seeing a face that feels like it cannot somehow be painted. 


I have decided I have to say sorry to that wonderful person tomorrow. She would probably not remember that offense I had since she's a person that always looks at the bright side of people. She's bubbly and shares her smiles and laughter to everyone. It's shameful to admit that I was responsible for her unhappiness. It's not fair to cause her sadness when she has brought a barrel of laughs and fun into my life. 


I am so sorry, dear friend. 

"Friends are the sunshine of life."

-John Hay

Ending this blog post, I realize I feel much better but then there is still a part that wants to eat me.  I wish tomorrow will be a better day. 

Change's challenge.

"I have accepted fear as a part of life ---specifically the fear of change...I have gone ahead despite the pounding of the heart that says: turn back."  

~Erica Jong

We all know that everything in this world changes. I have a fear of change. I was always reluctant to try something new. For the past 4 years, I have not imagined myself playing a ball game for my tribe. This year's intramural was an opportunity for me to experience something that I have never faced.

I joined softball because it's the only sport that I can think of joining and besides, Chelsi is joining, too. It's my first time to play a ball game for my tribe and I just learned how to play through my P.E. class. Thinking about playing gave me chills but there was no backing out, I had to do it. When I told my mom and dad that I would be playing, they teased me about how I would probably miss the ball. They say I'm a loser at sports, I agree with them. It's not that I'm putting myself down. It's just that it was a known fact about me all my life. We all know our own capabilities and weaknesses. Playing sports is my biggest weakness. Balls doesn't seem to like me that much. :) Anyway, despite the teasing, I didn't withdraw although my hand was already sweating hard. Before our first game with the Zebulun tribe, I got to meet who I was playing with.  They were so nice and they didn't pressure me. I was comfortable playing with them. We had a little practice and that was when I knew that I was so bad at catching the ball. We won by one point. It was a fun game since I was playing with Chelsi against Marion so for us, it was merely a friendly game. We lost on the 2nd game against Issachar. On the 3rd game with Mannasseh, we won. The last game made me jump and hug Chelsi. I felt like I wanted to scream of joy. We were going to the championship! I couldn't believe a loser like me could reach the championships. The night before the day of our last game, I was edgy. I couldn't be still so I decided to sleep at 8:30pm. The next morning was doom's day. My heart felt like breaking through my chest. To cut the long story short, we lost again to Issachar. It's fine, though. We were in 2nd place. I guess the reason why it's easy for me to accept defeat is because I was used to losing all the time. Well, like the famous saying goes, "Winning isn't everything---but wanting to win is." 

Change isn't so bad after all. It is something we experience everyday. We should just embrace it and learn to live with it. Also, we shouldn't let fear overcome us and give up. Instead, we should just feel the fear and do it anyway. A quote from Henry S. Haskins says, "Panic at the thought of doing a thing is a challenge to do it."